Loss, Looking Back and Learning

This time of day, two weeks ago, I was laying in a hospital bed in the ER at the University of Colorado Hospital. I was 11 weeks pregnant, but had been told just a few days earlier that my "pregnancy was not developing at a normal rate" & that the spotting I had been experiencing was the early sign of a miscarriage.

I was of course devastated & had been trying to mentally prepare myself to hear those words from the minute I started to spot. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 9 weeks, and every pregnancy after that was tinted with a fear of the same result. By the time I became pregnant with Grayden (my 3rd child) the fear had pretty much resided.

On the previous Wednesday night I noticed some very light spotting & had the first nervous feelings of miscarriage resurface. I talked myself out of being worried & tried to think positively. I said a silent prayer asking my Heavenly Father to be with the tiny growing baby. I asked for his protection & then asked for something even more difficult. I asked for comfort-comfort for myself to be able to deal with the thought of things not going the way that I wanted them to go.

The spotting continued through the next day, but it was very light and inconsistent. When I got up Friday morning & found that things had not changed much I decided to call the Midwives. I was able to talk to one of the Nurses & she assured me that spotting is totally normal & doesn't always lead to miscarriage. However, she told me she would send my message on to the Midwives & one of them would call me.

A little while later I got a call from one of the Midwives & she said that if I was really concerned that I could come in for an early ultrasound. I had to wait for the insurance referral to be accepted before I could get in & I tried to keep myself busy throughout the day so that time would pass more quickly. It was about 2pm & I hadn't heard back from anyone, so I called again & the midwife I had talked to earlier was surprised that no one had gotten in touch with me yet. She apologized, but told me that if I didn't hear from anyone that I would have to wait through the weekend & hopefully get in on Monday. She told me she would try to get a hold of them one more time & see if they could possibly get me in.

When I hung up with her I pretty much broke down. I was really hoping to get in so that I could have a firm answer instead of having to wait out the long weekend. The thought of not knowing was about all I could take & I began crying to myself and hoped that none of the kids would need me for the next few minutes. I didn't want them to wonder why I was crying or be worried.

Only a few minutes had passed & the phone rang. It was someone from the hospital calling to let me know I could get an ultrasound if I could make it to there before 4pm. I looked at the clock knowing it would take me a good 30 minutes to get there. It was 3:30, none of the kids were dressed, I was still in my pajamas, & I would have to find someone to watch the kids. I knew the odds were against me, but I had to try and get there.

I called my good friend Net, explained my situation to her through my tears, and she was willing and ready to help. I got dressed as quickly as I could & dropped the kids off at her house. I had already called Matt & he was able to leave work to meet me at the hospital. He got there before I did and told them I was on my way. I didn't end up getting there until about 4:10, but they still let me in and I was so glad that Matt was able to be there with me.


The ultrasound went by quickly, but waiting to hear back from them with the results seemed to take forever. The tech came back in with another lady who gave us the news & was pretty matter of fact about all of it. She asked if we had any questions, which we didn't, and then she left. That part of it all happened so fast & I wish now that I had been able to slow time down so that I could have thought to ask her a few things.

Matt & I walked out together and the tears started to come. I was embarrassed that strangers in the hospital were watching me cry, so I tried my best to hold it together as the tears streamed out down my face. When we got to the parking lot Matt stopped to hug me and I was finally able to really cry. I didn't feel angry, or feel like I needed to know why this was happening to us, I just felt overwhelmingly sad.

When I was pretty much all cried out I felt ok. Matt and I had driven separately & I asked him if he would mind picking the kids up so I could have some time to myself. He told me to be careful & call him if I needed him. I sat in the car for a few minutes just being calm. I wanted to be fine before going home to the kids because we hadn't told them I was pregnant yet. Trying to explain a miscarriage to a 3 and 4 1/2 year old didn't seem like a great idea, and I figured it would be easiest not to tell them about any of what was happening. I spent the next couple of hours in one of my favorite stores (Hobby Lobby). It felt so nice to walk around and let my mind wander as I walked peacefully through the isles.


The kids all welcomed me home with hugs and had no idea that anything had been out of the ordinary. Trinity asked me if she had made me late for a Dr.'s apt because she wasn't dressed & I laughed a little. She is so quick to apologize for things-even when they aren't her fault. I told her that it was not her fault & that I made it to my apt just in time. Net had fed the kids dinner and sent some home for Matt and I also. It was delicious and I was so grateful for her kindness and generosity.

The next couple of days were rough. It was like I was waiting for some big thing to happen so that I would know I was officially having a miscarriage. It was General Conference, but I wasn't able to hear many of the talks with 3 little ones that needed my attention. It is funny though, because of the few things I did catch from the talks one of them was about a woman who had had a miscarriage & how she felt comfort & peace. Of course when I heard that I teared up & felt like that one little piece of conference was meant just for me.

Monday morning rolled around & still no change. I was really confused & was really wishing that I had thought to ask the ultrasound techs some questions. I even wondered if they could have been wrong & I decided to take another pregnancy test. (I didn't realize that it takes a long time for the hormones in your body to re-adjust for a miscarriage) When it came out positive I really wanted to talk to one of the Midwives.


The day was busy, as usual, and I didn't get a chance to try and call them. I was supposed to attend the first of 5 classes from the "Love and Logic" seminars that day & was rounding the kids up to get ready to go. In my rush I didn't bring any pads or other "supplies" with me & thought I might have time to pick some up on my way.


I dropped the kids off at my friend Shary's house & headed to the store to get some "supplies". As I pulled into the parking lot I started to have pretty bad cramping, and decided I would buy some Ibuprofen as well hoping the cramps wouldn't get too bad.

****THIS NEXT PART MAY BE A LITTLE GRAPHIC****
Skip the next paragraph if you don't want too many details...










The cramping quickly became more intense & I stopped to use the bathroom before leaving the store. As soon as I sat down I felt a huge blood clot pass and from looking at it guessed it was the size of a tennis ball. I got really nervous, but decided I'd better finish my business and get going. As I walked out to the parking lot the cramping reminded me of labor pains & at one point I realized I was using the breathing techniques I had learned and used during labor. Once I realized that I got even more nervous.

By this time I knew that going to my class was out of the question. However, I wasn't sure where to go or what to do. Once again I was so relieved that my kids were in good hands, but what about me? I knew that the bleeding had not stopped since using the bathroom. At first I thought maybe I should go home and try to lie down for a while, but then I realized that was a 30 minute drive from where I was & that the urgent care center we go to was only about 10 minutes away. I started to head in that direction as I called the Midwives and got a hold of one of the nurses. She told me that she could page the Midwife on call & they would get back to me.

I got to the urgent care center and could not stop thinking about all of the bleeding that I knew was going on. Before I even signed in I leaned over the counter and told the receptionists that I was having a miscarriage & was having a lot of bleeding. One of them stopped what she was doing, looked up at me, and told me to go straight to the ER.

I was freaking out & knew that I should call Matt. He normally works about 10 minutes from the hospital, but was in Fort Carson teaching a 4 day class. It would take him at least 45min to an hour to meet me. I called twice with no answer, texted twice and got no reply. I knew that he put his phone on vibrate when he taught & hoped that if I kept calling or texting that he would get my messages. Finally he called me back (it had only been about ten minutes from my first call-but it seemed a lot longer).


I told him I was afraid, that I was bleeding a lot, and that I was on my way to the ER. He said he would end class early & be there as soon as he could. When I pulled into the parking lot at the ER my phone rang & it was Jessica Anderson, one of my Midwives. I was so relieved that she had called & hoped she could give me some peace of mind.

She told me that usually after an ultrasound is done they will call the midwives so that they can get in touch with the patient. For some reason no one ever notified them after my ultrasound & the Midwives didn't know I had even been able to get in to be seen. She apologized and told me she would find out why they weren't notified. She started to go over the results of what they found during the ultrasound & explained to me that all development had stopped after 6 weeks. I guess it just took my body a long time to accept the fact that the pregnancy was over. She asked how I was doing & I updated her on my situation.

For some reason I started to get really emotional when I was talking to her, and she said something that made me feel so loved and cared about. She said, "Leslie, I don't know if you remember me, but I remember you". I was shocked to think that of all the patients she saw each day that she would remember who I was. I hadn't seen her for well over a year, and she didn't even happen to be the Midwife that delivered Grayden, but she remembered me!

I think that when she said that it was an answer to my prayers. Heavenly Father was reminding me that he was aware of what I was going through, he knew my fears, and even though there are millions of people on the earth, that he remembered me. He was using another one of his children to comfort me in my time of need.


Jessica let me know that the ER takes patients not in order of arrival, but in order of how sever the patients problem is. However, if I felt like I had been waiting for a long time to page her again & she would send someone to get me. What a huge relief! I did end up waiting to be seen for quite a while. The ER was busy and although I used the bathroom a few times while I waited & was still having a lot of bleeding I felt pretty calm. It had been about 45 mins and I was about to page Jessica when they called me back.


The nurse who took me back was very kind & asked if there was anyone she could call to come and be with me. I let her know that Matt was on his way and she told me that she knew it was hard to be alone going through this, so to call her if I needed anything. I was almost surprised at how sincere and kind she was.

I wish I could say my experience with the next lady was just as nice, but unfortunately it wasn't. She was a physicians assistant & did not have a good bedside manner at all. She seemed very unconcerned about my emotions & was just sort of ornery. I only had to deal with her once before Matt arrived & I was so glad to see him when he walked through the door.

It was about 4:30 when Matt got there & I gave him the run down on what had been going on. He asked me how long it had been since anyone had checked on me & was really unimpressed that my IV bag was empty & a little blood had started to flow out of my arm & back into the tubing. He clamped it off & started looking around the room. He noticed that there were two vials of blood on the desk and asked if they were mine. I assumed they were, but he was once again disappointed to see them just laying there unlabeled. I had to laugh at how protective he was being about everything & told him it was fine.

From then on we seemed to do a lot of waiting. The ornery PA came back & said she needed to do a pelvic exam, and that was probably the worst part of the day by far. I know for a fact that she had NO IDEA what she was doing & didn't end up being able to do the exam because I was in so much pain! She was all huffy about it & I asked if I could see the midwife on call (who was just upstairs) & she said I'd have to talk to the OBGYN on call first-then she left. I had gotten pretty upset with her when she was trying to do the exam & we didn't end up seeing much of her after that-thank goodness!

After more waiting we met one of the attending Dr.s she was SUPER nice & came to see how I was doing. I really enjoyed talking with her & she told us that the OBGYN would be coming to see us soon. A while later the OBGYN finally showed up and she was very nice too (Phew). She told me that she would need to try and do a pelvic exam & that an ultrasound would need to be done to determine what was going on.

We had to wait a couple more hours for her to come back again, and she was able to do the exam & the ultrasound without causing me any pain or discomfort. I don't know what that PA's problem was....anyway...the OBGYN told me that I had 3 options. 1. Do nothing: Go home and see if the bleeding slows on its own, & if not come back to the ER most likely in need of a blood transfusion. 2. Go home with some sort of suppository that would cause more bleeding and more cramping-with the intention of speeding the process up. 3. Have a D&C and go home with some pain killers.

The choice wasn't too hard to make, but I was concerned about what the D&C would involve & what the risks might be. She told us what the possible risks were & gave us time to talk about it while she took her information up to her "chief" for a second opinion. Although the only real risk of a D&C was scarring that could lead to future problems with conception we thought that would be the best way to go.

Matt had let his supervisor at work know what was going on & was trying to find a substitute for his class for the following day. He had also made previous plans to watch Monday night football with a friend & let him know he wouldn't be able to make it. We were both really surprised by all the texts of support & concern that he received in the hour following. It was a great feeling to know that we had people offering prayers & help in our behalf.

Matt ended up having to leave me long enough to return the work van he had been driving & get his own car. I was fine, but had some time to think while I was alone. I started to feel a little guilty that none of my family knew about our situation. We hadn't told any of them that I was pregnant & felt really strongly that I should let not only my parents know, but my brother and two sisters. I sent a text to let them know that I was at the hospital about to have a D&C and asked them if they would say a little prayer for me because I was kind of nervous.

I have always depended on my parents the most for spiritual support, and I was a little surprised to have my siblings all reply within minutes to offer their support, concern, love, & willingness to pray for me. Each one of their text messages brought me to tears & I felt so thankful for a loving family. A little while later I received similar text messages from my parents & felt really good about going forward with the procedure.

Not long after leaving Matt returned & the nurses started to get things ready for the procedure. The OBGYN had me sign some paperwork & I asked her about what type of pain medicine they would be giving me & how it would make me feel. I wasn't as nervous for the procedure, but I really wasn't looking forward to feeling weird from a bunch of medicine that would take a long time to wear off. She compared the feeling I would have to how it feels after you have had a few drinks at the bar. I realized it might sound sorta dumb for me to tell her I'd never drank alcohol, so I just nodded my head. She also told me that if I was still experiencing pain they could give me a cervical block which is similar to a shot from the dentist before filling a cavity. (Which I didn't end up needing)

Awhile later the OBGYN & her Cheif came into the room & the nurse gave me my first dose of medicine through the IV. The Chief told me I'd feel real relaxed & it would be like I had had a great big margarita. Matt blurted out that I had never had alcohol before and all three ladies looked at me like, "WHAT?". The nurse replied, "Well, then welcome to the wonderful world of alcohol." We all got a good laugh out of it.

The procedure was not too painful and was over pretty quickly. All three ladies were very supportive throughout & having Matt by my side to hold my hand made all the difference. They said everything went great & that the bleeding I had been experiencing should not happen again.

Two hours later we were on our way to pick up the kids. I was exhausted and felt a little groggy, but overall I was glad to be on my way home. I first arrived at the ER at about 3:30 & it was now about 11:30, so it had been a long ordeal.

At my follow up apt a week later I found out that the average adult has about 5 liters of blood in thier body and I had lost 1 liter. Jessica Anderson happened to be working the day of my apt & I was so glad to be able to see her in person & thank her for all that she had done for me. When I got home I was even more impressed with the midwives when I opened a card that they had sent expressing thier sympathy for my loss. What a great group of women!!

Throughout all of this I have learned a lot. It was a reality check that I need to appreciate and love the children that I do have, and make sure that they know both of those things. I was reminded not to take family for granted-immediate and extended. I am so grateful for the friends we have made & that they are here to lean on when I need them.

I had my testimony strengthened that Heavenly Father answers our prayers & that things happen for a reason. We learn from all of lives challanges & although things seem too difficult to face, at that time,we are made stronger from those experiences.